Saturday, June 8, 2019

Filth Gnomes

Don yonder ways, o'er by the eastish edge of the Dimbright wood, northerly abouts from town. In the Low Places, which ne'er do drain, that's where them're at. Filth Gnomes lazily lounging lurid in the muck which e'er does grow.

Them ne'er shall know the torrid touch of disease nor can them be poisoned. (Positively enormous, efficient livers & immune systems) I hath e'en seen them quaff teas of Death's Mother Mushrooms and Stricture Root. For sooth, them do live small and quarrelous lives. Similarly, them are of small 'n' quarrelous visage. (4-5' tall, Scrappy as Fuck, DIRTY)

Alright, I'm tired of that narratorial voice.

Squalid and unbelabored they live in a land to which many others drain. Slow, slow, slow is the the seepage through bedrock. Thus do dark swamps piebaldly encircle a fungal marsh. There the Filth Gnomes stay, almost amphibious in a way. Always wet, noisome, unconcernedly happy after a fashion. Quick to spit, quick to hit, will fucking beat you to death with a branch if you give 'em trouble.

Sordid, Filthy, and Free.

They eat what's at hand and drink and fornicate as they see fit. They can sustain quite easily with locally gathered vegetation. However, the glorious little shits much prefer well aged meats. Most are content to sit in their on personal puddles, calm and free (blowing hot the coals of my jealousy).

Theirs is not a monolithic society, not really a society at all. Some live in slimy burrows where they age ammonia rich cheese. Other gnomi instead inhabit simple shelters, have an affection for fire and cooked food, or even have some degree of personal hygiene. Some fools even dare to head into the terrible Clean Lands.
Approximately 80% of the Filth Gnome population are women/girls.

Filth Gnome, 1+1 HD, AC as Leather, 1 attack, Club 1d6+2. Special: Scrappy as Fuck, +2 to melee damage. Special: DIRTY -3 reaction rolls with civilized folks. Special: Muck is Quiet for Its Own, 75% chance to successfully hide or sneak in wetland environments.

As PCs:

Some need to see and experience more: clean bright sunshine shimmering on an open cesspit, the streak of dung and raspberry jam on a Vicar's new white robe, whiskey, drugs, the taste of new and differently hued slime...

Level as Halfling

CON is 2 points higher than indicated. CHA is 1 point lower than indicated.
STR is 1 point lower than indicated.
1d6 HD.

Poison Save starts at 10 (loosing contact with the familiar and varied toxins of their environment takes its toll) and goes down by 1 each level. However, after level 5, a pilgrimage to a legendary grossness must be made to lower the saving throw. All other saves remain at 15.

Plus roll 2x on the following chart to  determine further abilities. Roll again on this chart at levels 3, 6, and 9.

  1. Scrappy as Shit, +1 to melee damage. Another +1 on rerolls.
  2. Of the Soil and Sand, -3 reaction rolls with civilized folks, +3 with burrowing things. If rolled again, the dirt in the gnome's ears serves as translator with all burrowing things. If rolled a third time, burying the gnome causes them to heal at a rate of 1 HP per hour. After that it's nothing. Sorry.
  3. Muck is Quiet for Its Own, 70% chance to successfully hide or sneak in wetland environments. +5% on rerolls. ½ chance in other environments, round up.
  4. Friendly Infection, roll 1d4 for specifics.
      1. Swollen Boil, acetone stinking thin yellow puss inside. With successful attack roll, and a squeeze, victim is blinded for 1d4 rnds. The gunk really stings, ya know. Rerolls mean more boils. Pop 1/day. Itchy.
      2. Fungal Belly, sustained fungus colony in stomach gives Gnome ability to digest cellulose as well as especially terrible halitosis. Twigs and leaves become viable food sources. Ration needs are reduced by ½, assuming there's enough plant-life around. First reroll means Gnome can simply graze like a herd animal for sustenance if needed. If rolled again, the colony is slightly happier.
      3. Cheese Teeth, breath smells like Roquefort. Rapid flesh-eating bacteria have colonized the Gnome's mouth, sustained by a small portion of whatever meat the gnome consumes. Bite does 1 damage with successful attack roll. Next round bite-victim must Save vs Poison or take 1d3 damage. On each subsequent combat round (or every 6-10 seconds) Save vs Poison or take another 1d3, until the save is successful. (This also makes kissing non-filth folx complicated.)
      4. Tripping Pits, a bacteria-fungus symbiote resides in the Gnome's armpit or crotch. It's excretions can be scraped off 1/day (become dry/unusable in 4 hours); a very powerful, short-lived hallucinogen, each scraping causes a man-sized creature to be effectively stunned for 1d6 minutes. Rerolls mean more scrapings are available.
  5. Fuck You, You Big Fucks! long experience in fighting things notably bigger than them gives this Gnome +1 to hit vs Folks and Critters Bigger than Them. Rerolls stack.
  6. Fen Lore, they know the tastes and stanks of the useful things. They know. Sharp, bitter willow leaves for pain; savory, roast chicken flavor of sulfurshelf mushrooms for hunger; honeysuckle, sweet floral and fleeting to raise fallen spirits; the spicy citrus of astringent witch hazel. 55% chance to find flora useful to the problem at hand, usually hunger, injury, or disease, when in wetland environments. Can heal 1 HP or replace 1 ration. Takes 1d20 minutes to rummage it up if available.

Stink it up, y'all. Feels like I can only write literal filth lately.

Womp womp...