Saturday, December 8, 2018


So what have you been doing, Evey? Other than staring sadly into the middle distance.

It’s a book of pseudo-nihilistic mystical beetle magic.

Also I’m working on like too many other things, always.

One of those things is a campaign I wanna start early next year. Ya know, sometime after the soul crushing thrust of the holidays have run their wretched course. There’s a reason that Xmas adventure I wrote is about Santa getting fat fucking murdered.

Anyways, what this bloggity blogpost is about:

I was reading through Fire on the Velvet Horizon, looking for stuff to add to my encounter charts. The melanic moor biz in particular fits in the Canal Wetlands on muh map. Adding other people’s creations, mixing in pieces of others’ minds sort of breathes a broader life into the pretend places we make. (Also, FotVH is the bestest RPG thing evah. In case y’all didn’t know.)

It occurred to me at some point, I was gonna have to do a bunch of regional encounter charts; which, yah of course. That’s fine, most of those I can write while the PCs are headed to the place. But, there is a Rural/Wilderness chart that’s will get a load of use right off, just because of where the campaign is beginning. I began mentally drafting On the Path* and In the Shit* versions of that chart. The overlap between the 2 was almost total so I bailed on the idea. (*This has been my goto method for a while.)

I also kind of hate empty slots on charts. “Nothing happens” isn’t interesting, even if it is realistic. Also don’t like rolling to see if you need to roll because I am easily annoyed, I guess. So it occurred to me, an on the road encounter can be a nothing result off the path. The reverse is also true.

But simple revelations are never enough, I also wanted a chance for a Big Fucking Event ™ to happen without spending a chart spot on “ROLL ON THIS TABLE NOW”. I just can’t get no simple satisfaction. I am planning on d20 charts so a daily 5% chance of Big Fucking Event was a bit much anyways.

First I considered the idea that when you roll the same result 2x in a row then you roll on the big fukken event table. That, however, required me to remember and/or write down the last roll every time. Nope.

I landed on the idea of rolling a second d20. When doubles occur, take that result on the Big Fucking Event table instead.

Of course, that felt like too little use being extracted from the 2nd roll. Can’t get no… well you know the rest. I toyed with making a 20 different examples of each of the 20 possible results but fuck that. Just no.

Instead, I landed on a lazier method.
  • Have the group agree on a lucky number between 2-19 at the beginning of each session.
  • If they can’t agree, then it’s 13. (I am a contrarian.)
  • When that number is rolled on the 2nd d20, the encounter is somehow VERY LIKELY to be positive for the PCs.
  • When a 1 is rolled on the 2nd d20, the encounter is stacked against them.
  • When a 20 is rolled on the 2nd d20, extra encounter that day.
  • ???
  • Profit


d8 Encounters En Route to the Beige Duke’s UltraOrgy®
  1. d6 Goblin-bears, d4 Orc-twinks (looking for sexy dudes)
  2. Snake-oil Sex-Unguent Seller (looking for coin, duh)
  3. Uptight, Proselytizing Dragon Preacher (looking for converts)
  4. d14 Shit-hammered  Lushes (looking for more drugs)
  5. Ogrish Magi (lost in a tantric ritual)
  6. Green Grocer w/ cart full of overpriced fruit (likes money and peeping naked peeps)
  7. 2d6 Young Nobles slumming it with d12 Thieves (Nobles: good times, Thieves: good times and money)
  8. 2d6 Beggars badly disguised as Men-at-Arms (they wanna sneak into the party after everyone’s wasted)

So obviously this rolled with 2 d8s instead of d20s. A 3 day, one time journey doesn’t need much more. Well a Big Events Chart:

d8 Big Happenings on the way to the UltraOrgy®
  1. 13 Sassy Angels descend to taste Earthly Delights. Like a 12 year old with an internet connection, they’ve had a ton of time to think about and watch sex stuff but no opportunity to do sex stuff. They’re gonna make it weird. They can literally kill with a glare and brought enough holy Nectar to get an angelic elephant wrecked. Good luck.
  2. The Mauve Baron has sent dozens of spies. He hates the Duke and intends to blackmail EVERYONE.
  3. Minor Earthquake: 2/3s of the guests leave, fearing the wrath of god.
  4. Rain. Ugh… the outdoor orgy-hole  is ruined. Wait. No. Just dirtier.
  5. Tax Collector has set up a road block just outside the Duke’s estate. He’s spuriously gathering taxes on everything he possibly can.
  6. If any of the PCs have surviving parents, they’re on their way too. Awkward.
  7. The Burnt Sienna King has decided to show up with his whole court. There isn’t enough room at the inn orgy. Things are getting riot-ish out front as none are now allowed entry.
  8. Somebody snitched e’ryone out! The Inquisitor marches with the Militant Orders to crush this plague of rising decadence (and folks being pleased by/with each other). FUCKING NARCS.

too sexy

So, as an example from the example, if I rolled a 3 and the lucky #, I’d probably have the PCs stumble upon the Dragon Preacher’s corpse (fresh dead from a heart attack or some shit). Dragon parts are hard to come by and super valuable so a party thinking on their feet outta turn that straight into scumfuck profits.

Anyways, that’s how I’m structuring this campaign’s out and about times.


The adventure from which these sentences were pulled ought to be available soonish from HOCUS!



by Anxy