Saturday, June 8, 2013

The Strangest Thing

What is the single strangest thing you've ever GMed?

It could be some harebrained scheme your players hatched; it could be an off-the-cuff event you had to improvise as the players gleefully charged off the beaten path; or it could be something fully planned. Something that is quite firmly your own fault. My craziest GMing moment falls firmly under the latter category.

You see, more experienced, grognard-type players had told me tales of The Deck of Many Things . I had this image in my mind of a deck of cards that caused craziest magical shit on the planet to unfold. It sounded great in the hands of the right (or the exactly wrong) sort of character.

Then, I looked the damn thing up in the 2nd Ed. DMG: In short it was total, unimaginative weaksauce.

I came up with my own Deck of Many Things. A powerful, if mischievous, artifact crafted by some primordial, chaos-worshipping, mentally-unbalanced wizard.  It was to be an ever-present agent of disorder. The cards didn't go off until they touched the ground and went off where they touched the ground. It was best to be very far away when the cards did their thing. Once the last card was drawn, the deck would randomly teleport to a new location. Sowing weirdness wherever it went.

The cards did truly odd things. Explosions shuddered into existence spraying floral shrapnel. Zombies sprang from the earth and played patty-cake. Shit turned colors, permanently. Hair grew six feet in an instant (really inconvenient most times, really dangerous in combat). Gaping ravines opened up and belched. Stupid, random, chaotic, crazy, rarely-useful things happened. To make matters worse, it was owned by a gleefully insane half-elven bard who tossed the damn cards around like they were going out of style.

It was, I believe, the second card thrown; a chimp in a wedding dress materialised where the card touched the earth. As the characters looked onward in shock (and the players stared at me, slack-jawed), the chimp hiked up his dress and proceeded to masturbate furiously.  A few moments later, it ejaculated color spray, a 20th level ejacu-casting of color spray, all over the PCs. Only one PC remained conscious, to face a gang of still charging trolls, all on her lonesome. I've never heard more bewildered laughing while character's lives hung in the balance.

Well, that's my story. What's yours?