Saturday, October 18, 2014

Defining the OSR... Nah, Just Kidding, This One's about Halflings.

Quick Sales Pitch:

My Mutations Mutable supplement is still for sale. It's got 29 distinct mutation types and over 80 specific mutations, plus a first level spell: Creation Unbounded, and three mutation-y magical items: The Returning Vial (sometimes you come back... wrong); The Pipes of Abandon (Do you ever just wanna DANCE? Well you do now!); finally the Stranger's Wand (Hint... the stranger may be in your new reflection). Get it here.

Like this guy but shorter, less neckbeard.

On with the Show:

Halflings are quiet, introspective sorts not given to companionship.

Some scholars suspect that one to two percent of almost all human populations are comprised of halflings, not that most would notice this. Halfling communities, such as they are, are always influenced by the local human culture but remain far more pastoral and contemplative.

Halflings are humanness made small, self-limiting. Solitary walks and contemplative journaling are the very height of entertainment. They are like an entire race of Henry David Thoreaus.

Settlements often spread out across miles of quiet, wholesome countryside. Households are solitary affairs. Married couples keep separate bedrooms and interests. Spouses can go for days without seeing each other. Children move away from home as soon as they are able.

These homesteads take pride in being almost entirely self-reliant. Halflings tend to be masters of make-shift repairs and improvisation. Those few halflings with specialized skills, the type needed by their fellows, often consider their abilities a great but necessary burden.

Though, halflings are not entirely antisocial (else they’d be extinct instead of dwindling). Visiting friends and relatives of an evening is an acceptable and necessary part of the culture. It is then that halflings swap quiet conversations, finished journals, and look for companionable mates. The species must be continued after all; that drive is still in them, dulled though it may be.

Halflings rarely have more than one offspring and almost never more than two. The birth of a third child is a cause for celebration. It will result in the largest mass of individual halflings in a single place (and what is likely to be the single loudest event) in any generation. (Though it is extremely rare, human parents have been known to produce halfling offspring.)

On occasion a halfling will set out for a stroll, and simply never stop meandering. These halflings might be considered quite queer if other halflings really considered these wanderers at all.

“… Oh, have you seen Thimwald of late?”
“No, his house is empty. He had a well-made stove. I carted it off to my place when I saw it going to rust. He must have left.”
“Ah, I see. Well like I was saying, I was under that willow tree, the one Thim wrote about, last night. I’d been looking at the stars for some time when a thought occurred to me. We are much like these stars. Spinning and tilting slowly in fixed positions we can barely begin to comprehend…”

Do not take from this that halflings are some monolithic culture, secretly living the exact same way all across the globe. The traits mentioned above are fairly common to many halfling cultures, those or traits much like them.

For instance, there are places in the Far East where halflings live communally. They spend their lives in painfully close proximity; working, eating, and sleeping within a few feet of their fellows at all times. Mating is handled by lottery, and most of their days follow patterns set centuries beforehand. All the while, they attempt to achieve perfect solitude through meditation and introspection. They bide their whole lives trying to compose their own personal mantra.

In certain other times and sundry places, song, sculpture, lyric poetry, and many other art forms have been driving forces amongst halfling societies. Ancient chroniclers wrote of the aching beauty of halfling tragedies performed on the sacred days. Currently,  most professional ballet troupes will have a halfling or two in their midst.

But do try to remember this, too: not every halfling is the same. Their cultures tend to emphasize individual thought above all else. This has bred as many monsters as it has quiet poets. Let us not forget the blood wake left by the Little Emperor nor the Sapphic vice-laden beauty of the Pale Poet’s unforgettable verses and strange slavish cult.

Halflings are all around us, but you’re not likely to notice. Unless, of course, one of them wants you to, and that is not very likely.

Halflings are unchanged from LotFP standard.

Saturday, October 11, 2014


Berserkergang! yet another Cleric Spell.

Level: 1

Duration: One Battle

Saving Throw: None.

Area of Effect: Self.


The Supplicant and 3 doughty warriors from his/her culture must head out into the wilderness (this as much for the tribe’s/clan’s/village’s safety as anything else). The three warriors will take positions forming the points of a broad, equilateral triangle with the Supplicant in the center. After a long silence, the warriors must begin to blow their battle-horns or pound upon their great war-drums in an unceasing cacophony. The Supplicant then will attempt to enter a state of pure battle-frenzy, a place of shear action and absolute rage. Supplicants often scream, hyperventilate, and wildly lay about them with spear, axe, or sword. (It takes [3d20 + Wis Modifier] minutes and a failed Saving Throw vs. Spell to enter this state of frenzy. Succeeding in the Saving Throw, requires another 1d20 minutes and another attempted Saving Throw failure. Drinking alcohol to excess reduces the time needed by 1d20 min. Ingesting hallucinogenic substances also reduces the time needed by 1d20 min and negates the need to fail a Saving Throw. [Drinking mead steeped in psychotropic mushrooms reduces the time needed to frenzy down to 1d20 + Wisdom Modifier minutes).

After the frenzy is entered, the Supplicant is (usually from a distance) anointed in the blood of a predator he/she has killed. Enemy warriors definitely count as predators. The Supplicant must then be choked or beaten unconscious. (That’s why the warriors need to be doughty.) If this is not accomplished within an hour or so, the Supplicant will never be able leave the battle-frenzy. Some claim that the Supplicant will slowly morph into a raging beast with the head of whatever animal’s blood he/she was anointed in. (Which would explain the prevalence of bear-headed ogres in the northern wastes).

When a character enters into the Berserkergang, his/her consciousness is consumed entirely by adrenaline-soaked bloodlust. He/she will feel absolutely no pain. He/she will be capable of great feats of strength and stunning displays of violence.

While in a berserk state, characters receive a +1 to hit and +4 to damage. They are also considered to have an additional +1 modifier to their Strength scores for performing actions such as busting down doors, lifting portcullises, and throwing big ass rocks at folks.  Additionally they receive no damage as they are hit by enemies. The DM instead notes what damage is to be rolled. (Damage from extreme things like having a boulder dropped on your head or falling into a vat of anti-matter should be rolled immediately. Berserkers aren’t actually invincible.) Berserk characters cannot be healed magically. Finally, Berserk characters receive a +4 to saves against calming or mind-affecting spells (such as Sleep or Feeblemind).

The character cannot exit from the berserk state until the current battle is over. The battle is not considered to be over until all enemies have been slain or are completely out of sight. Once the battle is done, the DM will then roll all damage done to the Berserker at once plus an additional 1d6. The Berserker is probably now dead. C’est la vie. Well, c'├ętait la vie.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

There are Just too Few Mutation Charts

How to use this chart:

Take the 8 of the following mutations you like the most (or hate the least [or whatever]) and cut and paste them into a numbered word/open-office/google-docs/wordpad/etc. document

When mutations occur (and they totally should occur), roll a d8 and a d6.

If the same mutation gets rolled twice, swap it out for one of the extra mutations. 

Generally speaking, the Higher the d6 roll, the more pronounced the mutation.

Mutations typically occur overnight, unless otherwise noted (or it'd be funnier to make it instantaneous).

If you can hide the mutation, unless otherwise noted, reaction roll penalties do not apply.

If you happen to roll the same mutation type more than once, swap it out from the chart for a different mutation.

This was written with LotFP in mind so of course change what needs changed if you're playing some other game for some reason.


Replaces – New rolls of this mutation replace the previous versions of this mutation.
Stacks – New Rolls of this mutation stack with the old afflictions.
Reverses – Rolling again means the affliction is reversed.
As Above – Mutation victim suffers from the above listed d6 effects as well.


Player Choice – Player chooses character's mutation. Only roll 1d6. Player must choose based on the short descriptions. Players should never see the chart.

  • Scaled Skin – 1-2  Psoriasis; 3-4 Ichthyosis Vulgaris (often-itchy patches of fish-like scales on skin, -1 to reaction rolls from superstitious folks); 6 Covered in actual fish or reptile scales (+1 to AC and -2 to reaction rolls with normal folks). Replaces.
  • Changed Eyes – 1-4 Unnaturally Colored Iris (Any color of the rainbow, Player Choice); 5-6 Unnaturally Shaped Pupil (Examples: star, hour glass, triangle, snake eyes, cat eyes, goat eyes, etc., DM’s Choice.) Replaces.
  • Dragonfly Stuff – 1-2 Sprout Vestigial Dragonfly Wings (-1 reaction roll from normal folks if hidden, -4 if not hidden); 3-5 Develop Insect Mandibles (-4 reaction roll from normal folks if not hidden, voice takes on a clicking note, 1d3 bite); 6 Shed your silly human-skin (You are an anthropomorphic dragonfly now, -6 to Cha, +2 to AC, Can fly at normal walking rate). Stacks. Ignore rerolls.
  • Changed Mouth – 1-3 Extra Canine (painfully presents itself overnight, sleep is impossible); 4-5 All teeth are now pointed (-1 to reaction rolls with normal folk); 6 No lips! (-2 to reaction rolls from normal folks, slurred words, drooling constantly). Stacks. #4-6 Reverses.
  • Boils – 1d6 never healing boils. Must be periodically lanced to relieve pressure.
  • Colored Skin – 1 Faint (Barely noticeable in full sunlight, Any color of the rainbow, Player’s Choice); 2-4 Significant (Noticeable in decent lighting, Any color of the rainbow, Player’s Choice); 5-6 Bold (Noticeable in any lighting, Any Color, DM’s Choice). Replaces.
  • Extra Finger – 1-2 Extra finger on one hand (-1 reaction rolls with normal folks); 3-4 Extra finger on both hands (-1 reaction rolls with normal folks); 5 Sickle-like claw grows on outside of one wrist (1d4 damage, -4 reaction rolls with normal folks); 6 Scorpion stinger grows on the back of one hand (1d2 damage, Sv vs. Poison or additional 1d8 damage and stunned for 1d4 rnds, -4 reaction rolls with normal folks). Stacks. 
  • Flesh pockets – Develop 1d6 flesh pocks. Replaces (1d6 new flesh pockets develop, the others close, objects inside them are now embedded inside the mutatee).
  • Bat or Flying Squirrel Stuff – When this is rolled the mutatee must choose either Bat or Squirrel. This decision cannot be revoked. 1-3 Develops Bat or Squirrel fleshed skin flaps hanging from wrists to knees and lightened bones (-4 reaction rolls from normal folks, -4 to Con, can glide for no damage from drops of at least 40 feet with at least 80 feet of horizontal movement); 4-5 Body is now covered in Bat or Squirrel flesh; 6 Vocal chords are replaced with Bat or Squirrel vocal chords (Mutatee can now only screech (bat) or chirp and bark (squirrel), if bat was chosen then the mutatee can Scream 1/turn [Beings with hearing must Sv or be stunned for 1d2 rounds]). As Above. Replaces.
  • Motile Vines – Sprout 1d6 motile vines (Int check to control the vines’ slow and clumsy movement, DM’s Choice as to location, -1 to reaction rolls from normal folk [-4 if they can tell that these are growing from the caster and not worn], reduction in ration needs by 10% if mutatee is in sunlight for 4 hours that day.) Stacks.
  • Egg Laying – These wizard eggs have a 50% chance of being “normal” eggs, 25% chance of giving the consumer mild prophetic visions, and a 25% chance of being poison (1d4 damage and wretch for 1d4 rnds, sv for ½ damage). 1-4 Lays one egg, immediately; 5 Lays an egg when frightened; 6 Lays an egg daily. Replaces.
  • Snake Tongue – 1-3 Tongue is way too long; 4-5 Tongue is forked; 6 Actual snake’s tongue (can taste the air now, +1/6 for searching where smell is relevant, the snake whose tongue you have hates you, it will find you eventually). As Above. Replaces.
  • Extra Mouth – These generally bitchy mouths can be painfully sewn or stapled shut, but only with silver, gold, or iron. 1  Stomach (this mouth literally grumbles whenever the mutatee is hungry); 2  Above Genitals (complains when mutatee has not had sex lately, gives terrible advice); 3 Palm (1d3 bite-slap, complains about the flavor of whatever is being held); 4 Tongue (this extra mouth has very sensitive taste buds resulting in a restricted diet, will loudly complain if this restricted diet is ignored); 5 Chest (speaks whenever the mutatee has strong feelings, often in the form of terrible poetry); 6 Pate (speaks the mutatee’s inner monologue aloud). Stacks. Rerolls reverse.
  • Multiples – Mutatee splits amoeba-like into multiple smaller copies of him/herself. These copies each have the complete memories, goals, motivations, etc. of the original mutatee. Completely consuming a copy restores that much mass and stats to the unconsumed wizard. If anything other than spilt blood is not eaten, there is no effect. It’s likely best just to boil ’em whole in a big pot, just to be sure. 1-4 Twain (physical Stats [Str, Dex, Con] are split between the copies [round up]); 5-6 Triplicate (physical Stats are split between the copies [round down]).

Other things to say:

You can totally throw in your own creations or your favorite purloined mutations into this, duh (and why wouldn't you?).


I'm selling a mutation focused supplement, with a much more expansive version of this chart.


"Creation, Life, Chaos, Death, Beauty, Mutation, Change, and Destruction: These are one in the same. Do not fight your fate. Do not tempt the multi-verse. Nothing has permanence. Learn instead to love this mutable world and the unique opportunities it can provide you. Learn to love your mutable and oh so plastic new form. Grow...

Mutations Mutable is a rotating mutations chart geared towards old school play. You'll also find details on a strange new spell and a few mutagenic magical items. Constancy is the hobgoblin of little minds or something like that... Hobgoblins are meant to be slain."

Get it here.

Enjoy the Weird.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Bard Mark II [electric boogaloo]

So before I get into rehashing my version of the Bard for LotFP, I'd like to throw out a couple brief ideas.

1 - I have a bit of a problem. I don't get to roleplay as often as I'd like too. Neither do most of the people that I play with in person. I want my players to be able to advance characters but also to be able tryout a bunch of different classes and character concepts. So, I thought to myself, why not just let the players get the experiences points. 

Say your character "Brenda the Elf" has earned 1700 xp over the past 3 sessions, and she is still lvl 1. You show up to the 4th session and have a really cool idea for a Specialist character. You roll up "Thim the Specialist" and since you have 1700 xp, he is a lvl 2 Specialist. During this session you do something preposterously clever and wind up with 1300 xp, bringing your total xp to 3000. Next time you play, Brenda can come back from foreign climes as a level 2 Elf or you could choose to play Thim the too-clever level 3 Specialist (or roll up another character starting with 3000 xp.) If, however, the character you are currently playing dies, you lose all your xp. So if Thim dies, Brenda does too (or comes back as a lvl 1 Elf again [because of time warps or negative energy or magic or whatever]).

This is not a genius idea. It's too simple for somebody else to not have thought of it. There's probably a better version of it somewhere out in the wilds of the internet. Feel free to point me in that direction.

2 - Chaos (alignment), Change, Creation, and Destruction are all the same thing. Law (alignment), Order, Stagnation, and Authoritarianism are all the same thing. The only alignment that's really in Humanity's best interest is Neutral... Discuss.

Anyway, on to that class that everybody hates but I fucking love.

the above by William Blake

This is my version of the Bard after some reconsideration. It’s written with Lamentations of the Flame Princess in mind.

Who is this?
This is the person who knows that a well-placed smile or just the right words have far more power than a sword or a spell. He/she can pick up on very subtle social cues, and always seems to know the right things to say.

Bards are also typically performers of some kind: whether the formal recitation of epic poetry, erotic dance, historical lecture, proselytizing, playing an instrument, juggling, gossip, or anything in between.

Examples: Skalds, Troubadours, Warrior-Poets, Master Manipulators, Cult Leaders, Mountebanks, Wandering Minstrels, Con Artists, Savvy Politicians, Libertines, and Charming Rapscallions.

Advancement - As Specialist
Hit Dice - 1d6 – Minimum 3 HP
BAB - +1
Saving Throw/s - As Cleric
Alignment - Any

Class Abilities :

Preposterously Charming - Bards have a permanent +2 on all Reaction Rolls (in addition to whatever bonus his/her Charisma may provide).

Inspire - Once per day per level, Bards can provide a bonus* to a single action attempted by a companion. For every +1 given the Bard must spend 1 minute boosting the confidence of his/her companion. This can take the form a few words and a pat on the back, a brief recounting of a cultural hero's accomplishments, a well-chosen greeting card, or anything in between. The Bard can opt to give less than the full bonus as time-saving measure.
For Specialist skills, have the character roll two dice and take the better of the two.
*Inspired Bonus by Level
Lvl     Bonus
1-2      +1
3-4      +2
5+       +3

Mesmerizing Performance – Beginning at level three, once per day Bards can use a performance to achieve the equivalent of a Charm Person spell. Only a single sapient creature with at least neutral regards towards the performer can be affected. The affected need not understand the language of the performance (if any), unless language is somehow key to the performance. For instance, the movements of a dancer are obviously not language specific and even a poet could possibly rely on the rhythm and sound of his works to woo across languages; however, for a gossip or a lecturing professor, language would remain a barrier.

You probably don't want to play this class if...

  • your group never uses reaction rolls. 
  • even sapient monsters are always considered hostile.
  • you don't want to talk your way through the campaign world.

(I really like Gnomes, too. I guess I'll never be one of the cool kids.)

Also, my adventure is totally... not on sale anymore. It will cost you a pittance more. Please buy it anyway. I think it's pretty cool. Also, you can totally preview all the important parts of it, to make sure you will think it is cool, too. (You will... [maybe]). Anyway, it is here.

Lamentations of the Flame Princess & the LotFP abbreviation are totally © James Edward Raggi IV.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I Like Kobolds

Just take a look at those ridiculous little lizard dogs. You just know their language is full of yelps and snarls. They sort of seem like slapstick incarnate, and in some ways I guess they kind of are. They yelp and run and essentially throw marbles and banana peels in your way. They're weak and cowardly but, by necessity, clever.

For instance, their traps take on some damn interesting, innovative, and ill conceived components from time to time. Those are the ones that get remembered (these faulty, Rube-Goldbergian machinations), because somebody walked away from them. Just as often kobold traps are brutally, viciously efficient, but most don't walk away from those. (If some do, the story's not as likely to get passed around at the dives murderous hobos frequent.)

All kobold warrens are heavily trapped. Kobolds are weak, singularly and not that strong in numbers. Kobolds are viscerally aware of this fact. It is ingrained in their culture. It is an inescapable, basic truth. We are weak; we must not be slow. We are not mighty; we must be clever.

Kobolds prize inventiveness and surreptitiousness above all else. (Elsewise the Kobolds likely would no longer exist in a world of humans and ogres and other fearsome things.)

Kobolds do not fight to the death*. They will flee (or try at least). Fleeing is central to their very way of life. They own almost nothing that cannot be worn or tossed into a sack while running.

Typically, their abodes are extemporaneous, utilitarian, and devoid of decoration. They adorn themselves instead. Body modifications, garish clothing, and jewelry (when it can be had) are wildly popular amongst kobolds. It is not unheard of to find that beneath all the filth, a kobold is wearing robes of the finest silk, filched from some wizard's estate. Perhaps the sack carried by another is actually an elaborately stitched tapestry, missing from the priory, oh these many years.

Ya, Kobolds will steal. They'll steal anything not nailed down that might be useful. (Given enough time, the nails won't stop them either.) They don't see it as theft, though, merely survival. If kobolds happen across your  fields, you'll lose 1/3 of your crop at the most, typically less. They don't steal, really; they gather, and they scavenge.

Now, don't get me wrong, they are monsters. When a kobold clan moves into the area and takes 1/4 of your flock and a 1/3 of your garden, you might not make it through the winter. That's monstrous.

But, keep in mind, a human menace would probably take all of both, and your daughters too.

* When they've failed utterly and have no way out, Kobolds will of course fight tooth and nail to live or protect their young. They probably won't be fighting to kill or for vengeance or anything like that, though. They'll probably just be fighting for a chance to run.



LotFP Kobolds

Exactly as Halflings buuut, the 5/6 to Stealth in the wilderness becomes a 5/6 Tinkering when setting up traps. The 3/6 Bushcraft becomes 3/6 Stealth. Also everybody probably hates you.


Hey, if you are looking for slapstick monsters, check out Little Devils. It's a one page dungeon I wrote and statted-up for LotFP. It's still on sale because I forgot to un-on-sale it. There's a preview there on Drive-thru that pretty much gives everything away, so check it out, yo.

Lamentations of the Flame Princess & the LotFP abbreviation are totally © James Edward Raggi IV.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Lamenting the Paladin

 Paladin – A New Class for LotFP

One of these guys could totally be a paladin. It's just hard to tell because
it's two dudes murdering each other...
Who is this?

Some few are called by higher providence to be the hammer that falls in the darkness. Some few are called to be baptized in heathen’s blood. They are to be the shining, wrathful embodiment of divine providence.

They have been called many things and served many masters.

Paladins do not preach; they practice. When they are called to protect the faithful, they do. When they are called to slay the wicked, they do. When they are called to tend the sick, they do. These faithful few are granted divine power to stand as stark, unyielding exemplars of their faith. They can be joyous or wrathful, smiling or stern, kind or demanding, but a Paladin will always stand strong in whatever it is he/she knows to be true.

They may be remembered by history as heroes or horrors, but they will be remembered -or else they would never have been called.

Examples: Gawain, Roland, St. George, Prince Five Weapons, Hospitallers, Nihang, Shaolin Monks, etc.

Advancement - As Dwarf
Hit Dice - 1d8 – Minimum 6 HP.
BAB - +1
Saving Throws - As Cleric.
Alignment – Lawful

Class Abilities and Restrictions:

Chosen Weapon - Paladins receive an additional +1 to hit with a particular type of weapon. Common choices include sword, club, spear, hammer, and fists.

Call Steed – Once in his/her lifetime, a Paladin may summon a completely loyal and fearless mount. This mount need not necessarily be a horse; however, its hit dice will be equal to the Paladin’s at the time of summoning.

Miracle – Once, and only once, may a Paladin ask for some major miracle from his/her deity (or deities, there is nothing to prevent a Paladin from worshiping an entire pantheon).

Caveats: Entreaties for miracles outside the ethos or desires of the deity/deities will not be granted. Additionally, miracles should be more preventative that active. For example stopping a volcanic eruption from happening to save a faithful village is fair game. Causing a volcano to erupt to destroy an enemy village isn’t. However, causing an earthquake to block a mountain pass, and therefore prevent an invasion would be allowed.

Outside of those vague restrictions, a miracle can be pretty much anything the character desires. This includes the ability to raise from the dead a number of folks equal to the wisdom score of the Paladin. Major miracles may be requested post mortem. (And yes, this does make Paladins sort of a walking reset switch for TPKs.)

Circle of Hope – Paladins are called to strike out against the twisted magics and unnatural forces of this wicked world. To that end, the Paladin and all the innocent* within a 10 yard radius receive a bonus to saving throws vs. baleful magic equal to the Paladin’s level + his/her Charisma Bonus. Even spells and magical effects that normally do not allow saving throws can be saved against within the Circle of Hope.
*Magic-users by their very nature are not innocent and can never benefit from a Circle of Hope.

Wrath of God – Paladins are often referred to as “The Hammers of God” in certain sacred texts. This is not without reason. Each Paladin, under some certain circumstance, is capable of doling out incredible amounts of damage. The circumstance is to be chosen by the player and approved by the DM before play. Popular choices include: when unarmed (think kung-fu monks), while on errand for the rightful King (classic), when acting with the explicit blessing of a church superior (better kiss that bishop’s ass), while defending the innocent or weak (your fellow murder-hobos don’t count as either), or when acting in the name of love (you troubadour, you).

When under this circumstance, Paladins receive a bonus to damage equal to the maximum damage a weapon can do. A mace, for example, would deal 1d8+8 damage.

Example: Sir Gawain was supposed to have waned and waxed in strength with the sun. His circumstance could be “During Midday”. Within 2 hours either side of noon, Gawain may deal 1d10+10 damage with his lance.

Sacred Oaths – A Paladin that breaks his/her word must engage in a burdensome quest to restore his/her honor. Until this is completed, the Paladin does not have the Miracle and Wrath of God abilities, additionally he/she cannot benefit from his/her own Circle of Hope.

You Probably Don’t Want to Play This if…
  • you don’t want to be a good guy.
  • you don’t want to roleplay a zealot.
  • your fellow adventurers want to be really, really evil.

Lamentations of the Flame Princess & the LotFP abbreviation are totally © James Edward Raggi IV.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Several First Level Cleric Spells

So I have a thing for sale! It's an adventure stated up with Lamentations of the Flame Princess in mind. "Little Devils" is a one page dungeon about a hill full of asshole devil-kids. It comes with printable, individual stat blocks (which I found helpful when I ran this crazy thing.) It's on sale for fifty cents for a week or so. Also my other thing, "The Wretched Grasp", is now Pay What You Want.

To celebrate, here are a bunch of cleric spells... even though I got rid of clerics. Of course now anybody can cast them... assuming they're insane enough to risk contacting gods, spirits, and/or demons.

Bible Spells
(Rituals to attain these spells often include: self-flagellation, fasting, eating only uncooked foods, never cutting one's hair, and constructing as well as living in wilderness hermitages for long periods.)

Stick to Snakes – This spell converts a cudgel into a ½ HD snake for 1 turn. Constrictor (+2 to wrestle, 1d4 damage) or Poisonous (Bite for 0-1 damage, save vs. poison or take 1d8 damage. If the save is failed, the victim must make another save vs. poison the next round or suffer 1d6 further damage and 1 Con damage. If the second save is failed, the victim must make on final save vs. poison on the third round or suffer another 1d4 damage and 1further Con damage.). The snake(s) will obey the spoken orders of the caster. At levels 3, 6, and 9 the caster may convert one additional stick with this spell. 

That last sentence only applies to Magic-users. In fact all casters are considered to be level one unless they are magic users. Magic users, of course, just use their actual level.

Part Waters – Moves up to 1000 cubic feet of water out of a given area per caster’s level. The spell lasts so long as the caster maintains concentration. (Clever use of this spell can give you and your buddies safe passage across dangerous streams, and then drown all the assholes behind you.)

Spells from Rustic Deities, Tree Gods, Animistic Spirits, Etc.
(Rituals to attain these spells often include: eating the heart of a wild animal the petitioner killed him/herself, making ceremonial raiments from materials gathered by the petitioner, and orgiastic revelries.)

Rustic Pipes – By playing reed pipes or whistling a bird’s song for one hour, the caster may ensure that his/her encampment will be unmolested by all natural things for the night. Additionally, the encampment will awaken to find potable water and easily found forage nearby (enough to supply a group of four with food and drink for a day.

Untrod the Path – This causes the signs of passage upon any one path to be removed for up to one linear mile. This spell does not function within city walls.

Befriend the Beast – This spell causes a single natural animal to regard the caster in the best possible light. (Solitary predators, for instance, are still what they are though the tiger would be less likely to hunt the caster.)

Blessed Rain – A gentle rain miraculously falls over a 12 yard (11 m) radius for 1 turn. Those who remain under the shower for its entire duration receive one randomly determined benefit. Those who remain unclothed in the blessed rain receive two benefits (ignore rerolls).
  1.  Healed of 1 point of damage.
  2.  Healed of 3 points of damage.
  3.  No normal animal may harm the subject for 1d6 days.
  4.  Know no thirst for 1d6 days.
  5.  Feel the run of wild in your bones (subject can act as though Hasted for 1d4 hours, this is a dangerously addictive state of being).
  6. Be cleansed to the core, (Acts as Delay Poison; additionally, the character receives a permanent +1 to all saves vs. poison [does not stack]).

To call forth this spell, the caster must be under the open sky (aka outside).

Whisper the Wind – The caster knows many secrets and may whisper these things into the ear of any single being within 50 miles. The message travels on an actual breeze at roughly 7 mph (11 kph) or 10 fps (3 m/s) to reach the target. The phrase must be spoken through a specially prepared, soaring bird’s feather (eagle, buzzard, falcon, etc.) in a single breath.

Refuse the Way – All the things of nature know the caster to be an ally, and will aid him/her when called to. This causes all natural things within a 20 yd. (9 m) radius to prevent the passage of the caster’s enemies. In dense foliage with an abundance of small insect or animal life, enemies move at ¼ of their normal movement rate and take 1 point of damage for every 10 feet traversed (from insect stings, rough limbs, briar thorns, rodent bites, etc.). In light foliage with less available animal life, enemies move at ½ of their normal movement rate and take 1 point of damage for every 15 feet traversed. This spell does not function without nearby plant, animal, or insect life. Creatures larger than most rodents may ignore this call to aid if they so wish.

This is a William Blake, again.

Death Gods, Chthonic Type Deities (Note that Chthonic Deities would also be concerned with fertility and the whole life, death, rebirth cycle...)

(Rituals to earn these spells often include: burying valuables in the earth; standing vigil over some living thing as it is born, grows, and withers into death [many cheat this by growing sprouts and then not watering them, still it takes a fucking while]; meditating in lightless caverns.)

Consecrate Dead – Ensuring the dead remain dead and are whisked away to the appropriate hereafter is of the utmost importance to many cultures, deities, and spirits. A consecrated corpse may never be raised from the dead nor turned into the undead. Up to 12 corpses + the caster’s Level and Wisdom Modifier may be consecrated in a single day.

Travel the Black Path – Walking the bleak halls of the dead is within the power of the caster, though most have the wisdom to avoid it.  With this spell, the caster and up to 8 companions may travel to within 1d6-1 miles of a desired location. This takes 1d6 hours of traveling through the halls of the dead for every 100 miles between the caster and the desired locale. There is a 1% cumulative chance per hour traveled that one of the companions or the caster may not be allowed to exit the realm of the dead.

Yawning Chasm – a 10 foot long, 5 foot wide, and 10 foot deep chasm can be opened within 25 feet of the caster. This chasm remains open for 1d6 rounds, then closes. (Save vs. paralyzation to avoid be swallowed up. If someone rolls their save number exactly, his/her/its bottom half get's buried in whatever the ground/floor was made out of...)

Eyes of the Dead – The subject’s eyes turn whitish blue, like those of a corpse. The subject will be effectively blind, only able to see beings that are near to death. Saving throw negates. 

Lamentations of the Flame Princess & the LotFP abbreviation are totally © James Edward Raggi IV.