Monday, May 23, 2016

Dangerous Women

Washerwomen were tougher than you can believe.

Did you ever spend all your money on dice and/or beer back in college? Did ya ever happen to try to wash your jeans by hand?

That shit sucks…

The strength need to do that day in and day out… can you imagine the savage grip strength?

Not to mention, the lye soap was strong enough to cause chemical burns. You could tell a washerwoman by her scars…

Now imagine those hands on the lily white neck that bought them with the land.

Fed Up Washerwoman
A class for LotFP
       Levels  |     XP          
1                    0                      Paralyze: 16 | Poison: 12 | Breath: 16 | Device: 16 | Magic: 16 |
2                    1,000               Paralyze: 15 | Poison: 11 | Breath: 16 | Device: 16 | Magic: 16 |
3                    3,000               Paralyze: 14 | Poison: 11 | Breath: 16 | Device: 16 | Magic: 16 |
4                    9,000               Paralyze: 13 | Poison: 10 | Breath: 16 | Device: 16 | Magic: 16 |
5                    27,000             Paralyze: 12 | Poison: 10 | Breath: 14 | Device: 16 | Magic: 16 |
6                    80,000             Paralyze: 12 | Poison: 10 | Breath: 14 | Device: 15 | Magic: 15 |
7                    120,000           Paralyze: 11 | Poison: 10 | Breath: 14 | Device: 15 | Magic: 15 |
8                    200,000           Paralyze: 11 | Poison: 10 | Breath: 14 | Device: 15 | Magic: 15 |
9                    300,000           Paralyze: 10 | Poison: 09 | Breath: 13 | Device: 15 | Magic: 15 |  +100,000            Paralyze: 10 | Poison: 08 | Breath: 13 | Device: 15 | Magic: 14 |

+1 BAB
Hit Dice d10
Wringing Necks or Neckerchiefs
Fed Up Washerwomen can Choke attack for 1d6+Str Modifier (1d8+ for unaware victims). This attack ignores armor, unless a gorget (or similar) is worn.

Strong as your best Ox and at least Twice as Pretty.
Fed Up Washerwomen’s Strength modifiers are 1 higher than rolled.

Walk Quiet When Needed
3/6 Stealth at level 1.
4/6 Level 2.
5/6 Level 4.
6/6 Level 6.

Isn’t it wonderful how the skills of almost any civilized trade can be murderhobo-ed?

Also if Medieval Washerwomen had Unionized, I suspect the world would be a far better place right now.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

"You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack... you may ask yourself, well how did I get here?"

I recently ran a game! Woo! Alpha testing my philosopher's stone (aka my own super-duper-special Fantasy RPG). 

Working title: "Broken Wilds"

In said game, there was a crazy old candle-maker, a crazy scary aelf, and a crazily vain person. They were to be an already "functioning" "team". There wasn't a dungeon so I couldn't just wake them up hungover inside.

I wanted a beginning to help draw everyone into character and tie them all together. 

So, I did something pretty simple.

I got the Players to Answer a few questions during character generation.

  • 1.a Who in the group do you kind of hate? 1.b Why do you work with them anyway?
  • 2.a Who owes you something in the group? 2.b Why can't they pay it back to you yet?
  • 3.a Who, in the group, do you like the most? 3.b How do you let them know?
  • 4.a Who in the group knows your worst secret? 4.b How did they discover this?

The procedure:

Read the 1.a question. First player to call dibs on that question gets to answer it. Whoever the first player chose in his/her response answers the 1.b question for the first player's character.

Each player may only answer a single #.a question.

Repeat until all players get to answer an #.a question.


Sarah is playing Bee the Handy Jill and Sam is playing Sea the Degenerate Wizard.

Sam wins dibs and declares that Sea sorta hates Bee. Sarah tells Sam Sea owes his life to Bee.

Sarah automatically gets the next question. Obviously Sea has like a lifedebt to Bee and so both players declare that sans the formality of the procedure. 

Alternatively She could have done something weird like a demon blood oath further tying them together. Then he could be all like "we have to kill 4 demons!"

It's worked swimmingly thus far.

Sunday, April 3, 2016


Existential Wizards:

Philosophers, poets, junkies seeing the pearlescent pus of being.

You looked behind the muddied veil of reality: no true forms, no hidden rainbows... only hungry Void.

You weren’t the first. You won’t be the last. You haven’t killed yourself, that’s a start.

Now, go fix the trouble you made.

Characters have 2 important pieces:
NUMBNESS protects from Void. BEAUTY pushes the Void away.

[Roll 1d6 twice for starting Numbness and Beauty.]

[Hitting 0 or 10 = death.]

Otherwise, characters are just folk.

The Enemy:
Void destroys reality in widening gyres.

First pets, then people go missing. Streets fade. Eventually whole cities cease.

A neighborhood dissolves in a year, a city in a decade.

Fight the Emptiness with Art, create or abnegate.

[All works against Void are a gambit. Each character wagers an amount of Beauty.]

[Players roll 1d6 + Wagers . The GM rolls 1d10. Highest wins.]

[If the players roll higher, each adds the amount of their wager to their Beauty. Void in the area goes down a step.]

[If the Void wins, players subtract the wager amount from their Numbness. Void increases.]

[If nothing is wagered for a battle, Numbness goes up by 1, Beauty down by 1]


My submission for the 200 word RPG challenge.

Released under ...


Also I've released a PRINT RPG BOOK with a picture by noted drawer of good pictures, +Anxious P. ,

You should buy it.

[As of this post, the code LULURC, will get you free shipping and 25% off.]

[You should buy my novella, too. The best review so far, "I wish it was a whole goddamned book!"]

[Also, buy Fire on the Velvet Horizon, It is without caveat the best RPG product ever made. Pure imagination fire.]

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Kobold Work Rhyme

busily busily chew-chew-chewing away
chewing away, we say, we say
chewing away, we say.
Gnaw it near, Bite, Nip, Tear.
Bite, Nip, Tear. Bite, Nip, Tear.

Never enough, but we share, we share,
Never enough but we share.

Bite back Hard! When pushed too far.
Bite back Hard. and Run!

[translator's notes: ]
[I have to the degree possible, in association with a not unfamous poet, attempted to preserve the onomatopoeic and alliterative trappings of the dogmen poetic tradition. Working rhymes such as this are whispered in a musical round. The final line is only sung in the final repetition coinciding with the work's end.

Nearby each note and word may be discerned; however, with any distance it becomes a strange echo. It sounds a bit like heavy breath, shifting stones, and running water. Such sounds are haunting but not unfamiliar in cavernous environments.]

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Playing at Sticks

So I decided to participate in an RPG contest [clickable link, y'all]...

“Old King’s got ‘er locked up now, real sharp.

“Got ‘imself a bobbing pair, he does.”


“Been a decade ago, His Majesty Oerick, long live, decreed catastrophe, dismissed the Council of Earls, and remade the Laws of Murder and Assault.

“Carry an implement of war, outside called levies and the constabulary, and you now are attempting murder. Assault is to be charged even in mortal self-defense with ‘yron’ implements. So a felling axe may fell a tree, but should it fell a thief, the woodsman is so charged.

“The penalty? Ten years in fetters or two years conscripted, of course.

“Kingdom’s military is currently better manned than at any point in history. The roads have never been so free of bloody knives. Long live.

“What of the men who play at sticks? A gentleman, freeman, or servant may of course carry a staff or cane or walking stick. The farmer must transport his heavy flail. A woman oft carries a distaff and spindle.

“Such implements, not made of ‘yron’, only carry with them the charge of assault when employed with violent intent, wrongful death rather than murder should it so fit.

“Wrongful death? Why execution with time for repentance, of course… or ten years conscription.”


Public Domain Photo

Keep in mind this was laid out in Word, which is a bit like arranging mosaic tiles with a hammer: doable but unnecessarily rough. Theoretically it would have been quicker to just do a lazy run through with proper layout software... but when I have a bunch of knobs to adjust, I WILL ADJUST THEM. (I guess I could have just left it raw and unfanagled for an even quicker turnaround, but have knobs will adjust.)


So I've added a tip jar to the blog, in the form a Patreon Campaign.

If you've gotten any worth out of these monsters, wizards, and classes and stuff, please consider donating. Any amount would be greatly appreciated and help to ensure I am able to keep doing this (seeing as this is now one of my few sources of income).



Saturday, February 20, 2016


A Smattering of LotFP ideas...
One of which has been tested.

Starting Equipment
(Especially for short term games) 
Very quick turnaround from dropping 3d6 a few times to murdering/being-murdered.

Choose 3 items from the following 4 categories.
Helmet (+1 AC)
Shield (+1 AC)
Weapon (assume 6-12 ammo if appropriate)
Useful Item (Grappling Hook and Rope, Lantern and Oil, Hammer and Spikes, etc.)

Additionally: 2 torches, Flask of Water, Day’s Worth of Shitty Food, Appropriate Clothing, 1d4 Silver Pieces.

You want three helmets? Ok. Two grappling hooks and a shield? Fuck yah.

(For a more nuanced version of this idea CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!)

No. It's cool... I got this.

New Skill – Rough Medicine:

Medical care in the form of half-remembered folkways, dubious herbs, and bloody experience. On a successful skill roll, Rough Medicine heals 1 hp of damage; on a failed roll it causes 1 damage.
“Imma just chew this root, boy-o. That’s right… now I’m gonna just spit that into yar wound. Yahp. Just like me sainted mother.” [horrible infection intensifies]
(Especially useful if all healing magic is the result of Faustian bargaining. All healing magic should be the result of Faustian bargaining.)

Dealing with addictive substances:

Rather than dicking around with specific quantities - and since getting properly trashed is an inexact science - drugs (drug-like potions, all things in Narcosa) are purchased in abstract quantity of a stash.
When using, roll a Save vs Breath Weapon (hah) to avoid burning through an entire stash.


So I've added a tip jar to the blog, in the form a Patreon Campaign.

If you've gotten any worth out of these monsters, wizards, and classes and stuff, please consider donating. Any amount would be greatly appreciated and help to ensure I am able to keep doing this (seeing as this is now one of my few sources of income).



Monday, February 8, 2016

(fuck) The Obedient Place

"There, once and ever, lay a place of perfect obedience. A park-like land of rolling greens, golden oaks, unbreakable fealty, it shall not ever change. It cannot ever change.

"There will always be a vulpine Queen. Two ursine Dukes will bristle and binge. And the cygnine Countesses? Four castled ponds require four of them too. How could less than eight feline Barons hope to adequately hate their master Swans? Still will there stand sixteen equine Knights, in violent defense of the realm. Not even murder may keep these mares from their duty.

"But what of the coal-eyed slaves? 

"What of them? They could not count themselves; they could not care unless you asked them to… why would you bother?"


Would it be fun to adventure in a place of perfect, unbreakable order?

Of course! Adventuring is fun by nature: hyperviolent pseudo-medieval tragicomedy, always fun.

Besides, the unbreakable is meant to be broken. In the semiotic slippage of communication, there is always room for error to become reward. 

The agile minds of players not in actual mortal danger, become the furnaces of insane genius, wild improbable risk yielding unthinkable reward. (Failure results in dire and preposterous consequence, of course.)

The players will find that slip in your words and twist until the whole engine snaps. The murdersome vagrants will throw themselves bodily into the machine until its gears are choked in bone, 

Or maybe they won't. I don't know, but I bet they'd have more fun if they did. 

Watching the world you started burn by the time they finish it, is a rare and wonderful thing. 

There's just nothing more D&D than busting through a wall and skipping most of an adventure. There's nothing more D&D than a botched roll killing the prince the violent fools were sent in to save. 

With D&D, et al., you never know until everyone is dead or kings or Jethro can't make it to the next game.